To say it is considerably harder today is an extreme understatement.
Lesson about myself - I googled everything I could possibly google or research on the internet or spark people about fasting. Why? I think it was so I could find an excuse, reason or justification to make my body self feel like it is ok to stop. I need approval from factual research so that I can back my case up and allow myself to stop. It is amazing the tricks my body self can come up with.
I am having a serious craving right now, for anything. I have been trying to map out my breakfast on spark people for Friday morning. I don't think it helped. The craving kind of takes over everything. It takes away my sanity and my eyes don't even focus. I went home for lunch today and occupied myself with replanting lettuce, doing laundry, and drinking my broth.
I made it thru lunch so I know I can get thru dinner when I am back home by myself. My mouth feels heavy and full of cotton, but I'm drinking my water like crazy and using the bathroom a lot.
The perks of the research - fasting can be really good for psoriasis and high blood pressure. There are even cases when after fasting the issues were no longer present in an individual.
However, this is a serious head trip, trying to avoid the thoughts that lead to food; I don't know if being at work helps or hinders it. I thought it would be a good distraction, but now I feel like the clock is dragging and I just want to get home where I can keep busy! I need to walk around a bit.
I wrote the above around 4 PM on day two. It is now 10 PM. After emailing the above entry, I got up from my desk and walked over to my friends’ desks. I told them what I was doing, I needed support, and I was on the verge of breaking - another lesson about my body self... I need justification from others to stay on the path that I am on. I knew they would be supportive and not joke with me about it and I got lots of great advice. Turns out, one of them had fasted five days recently and did not publicize it at all. Five days. WOW. This isn't easy for me at all and I am simply on day two. She gave me hope that I could definitely continue on with my journey.
Once I got home it was no sweat, I rearranged TomTom's room a bit since he is not home I figure I will give it a good clean out. I vacuumed the whole house since I had skimped on that this weekend with Mardi Gras. I took out and put in the dishes in the dishwasher and I did about another three loads of clothes. I also watched my favorite American Idol in the background while all of this was going on.
I can tell you that work was stressful, this added to the anxiety I was having earlier. Stupid things brought up by silly people, making mountains into mole hills, and all in all just the normal bullshit that I would rather get away from in everyday life. Why do people stress over things that they cannot control? Why must everything be an issue? And more importantly, if you did something to come alive for five seconds why should you feel guilty about it later and blame it on unprofessionalism? We really need to take more advice from children. All in all, it is not my issue to dwell on - so I am dropping it now. However, it was a crappy start to a return to work day from vacation.
Here I am. Sitting with my fast and all the crap in my head. Here is a gross little tidbit - I have a quarter size patch of psoriasis on the back of my scalp buried underneath all of my hair. No one knows it is even there except my immediate family. Today it pretty much all flaked off in a fit of fury. This is not normal. Usually it flakes a bit when I itch it, like dandruff type stuff, but not all of it just coming off in chunks. This makes me feel really optimistic about how this fast may help my psoriasis. Basically I won't have anything left in my system to irritate the condition. Interesting.
Lesson learned - I can really keep myself busy when I am avoiding something (like eating). I am turning out to be stronger and stronger than I thought with every craving for food. I am dreading having another 24 hours of this. I can't wait to eat again!!! These are the thoughts that I get lost in and I have to move on. I have prepared my meals for Friday and will be at the grocery store tomorrow night so that everything I need is on hand when I need it!!!!
Here is the meditation she did in the book on day two of her fast; you are supposed to say the first thing that comes to your mind. Below are my responses.
What demon do you want to work with?
Fear
Does it have a feeling?
It is a lingering sadness. It makes me want to curl up inside myself in the dark and fall away from everything.
Does it have a color?
If it has a color I can't see it. It wants to be hidden in the dark.
Does it have a texture?
It reminds me of a blanket. Something that can cover me up, but once it is over me it seems sharp and cutting, making it hard to breathe.
Where is it held in your body?
In the middle of my chest, it moves out into my throat and covering my lungs.
What does it look like now?
It is dark and unfriendly, but comforting because it is hiding me from seeing the outside. It is like a safe protective layer on the side I am under, but on the other side it is covering me and keeping me from my life.
What does the demon want?
He wants to keep me from pain; he wants to protect me from things that can hurt me.
What does it need?
It needs acceptance and unconditional love. It needs a support system, it needs belief that it can grow into something wonderful. It needs to know that the things it likes and wants in the outside world are okay to go after.
When its needs are met it will feel....
Free to live
Feed the demon sweet nourishing nectar with acceptance, unconditional love, and a support system that believes it can grow into something wonderful and supports its choices in life. How is the demon receiving it?
Timidly, the demon is shy and doesn't want to seem greedy, but it realizes that it is getting what it has wanted for a very long time so it cannot turn away. The demon is a lost child being beckoned out of a dark corner by a trail of bread crumbs. She peeks out so you can see her eyes, pale and lonely, she grabs a crumb and then ducks back in the darkness. She is still afraid, full of fear, but she wants to have the support to make her dreams come true.
Look for your ally - the figure that will help and protect you thru your demon journey. What is my ally's gift to my demon?
The gift is open arms for tears on a warm and welcoming lap rocking and rocking and rocking like my grandma used to do. A warm heart to talk to that does not laugh at my dreams or make me feel like they are not good enough. My ally talks about everything I am interested in and everything that I want to be in this life. She will hold my hand and help me mark out a path to achieve everything that I have wanted. And she will be there when I have fear again and want to duck behind the darkness. It may be safety on one side, but on the other it is a barrier from all the things that will light my path in this life. She will remind me that I can overcome the fear. She will give me the acceptance and warmth that I need when I become afraid, she will give me the strength and protection to go after everything I want in this life.
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