My Resolutions, Successes and Failures.

I decided to go with the three day fast. This was my last meal the night before:

I decided to have an orange because it was referred to so many times in the book. I don't really like eating oranges because of the pulp and always went for the juice. I didn't really know how to cut it being that I don't eat them. I hadn't had anything but soup so far this day, so my mouth was already reacting to the orange from the smells. I basically ate it by sucking the juice out and not getting any pulp in there. It was delicious. Sweet and perfect in the mouth. I will buy more to keep around when I want a sweet snack.

I followed with a big bowl of watermelon. One of my favorite melons! I could eat watermelon all day and night. It was an easy bowl to make it through.

I followed that with a lemon pepper rotisserie salmon cutlet from Fresh Market. This was really salty. It had been sitting in the heated case all day so it was also a bit dried out. It was not as good as I was hoping for a last meal, but the inside was good, just way too salty.

I then had a small bowl of my favorite creamy tomato soup from the organic section at Rouse's. It is not very fattening or salty, and it is just plain good. Yum! Perfect! It also keeps in its store container (like a broth box) so it will be in the fridge too for when I can eat again.

I finished off my left over crawfish ettouffe from Sunday's lunch. It only filled up about half of a very small plate but I wanted to be sure I didn't have any food in the fridge to tempt me through my fast. I had also bought a hidden valley ranch packet because I was craving that dip with veggies. I cut a few celery sticks and had made the dip with organic sour cream. Yum! Perfect! I didn't really have the hunger to eat this, but I made myself since I bought it. I know the dip will hold up for this weekend and after my fast it will be ready and waiting for me!

I ended my last meal before fasting with double chocolate gelato from Fresh Market. Oh, this was heaven. It was dark chocolate gelato with chocolate chips in it. They were a present that I wasn't expecting. A definite highlight! I am writing about this at the end of my first day of fasting and my mouth is going crazy with drool just thinking about the better points of this last meal. I already can't wait to eat again!

I finished reading the book "Ravenous: A Food Lover's Journey from Obsession to Freedom" by Dayna Macy today. I highly suggest buying it. You can get the 1.99 kindle version for your laptop which is much less than the $25 I spent on it at the book store. Either way it was worth it for me. I found the book from a reference on sparkpeople. This is my blog entry on it.

Tonight I finished off the book Ravenous. It is a biography type book about a woman who had issues with her weight all of her life. Most of her issues dealt with over eating and the reasons that started the eating. It got me thinking about my own issues. Her turning point question was when her yoga teacher asked her, why are you in this body? What does it have to teach you?

When I first opened this book, I read the question, and I did not get it at all. I mean, I read the words, but they didn’t fall off the page for me if you know what I mean. As I kept reading her book there were a few things that did fall off the page for me.

One of these entries involved a corn chip, and a sort of food guru who had asked the crowd to taste it and tell him what they thought of it. Then the crowd asked him what he thought about it and he said something along the lines of a bland mushy tasteless pulp in his mouth. He stated that with the corn chip “there was no there there.” And if he didn’t catch himself he might find himself eating many of them looking for the “there” that they didn’t hold. Then he had them think about eating an orange. It tastes like the sun, and to a certain extent it can be felt in your heart. This is a very alternative thought process, but it was another step in the author’s journey regarding her relationship with food.

So where does this put me. I’ve started sparkpeople, continued with my exercise workouts in the morning, and have lost seven pounds. My main goal this year was to create a bit of a wellness plan for myself. However on my personal journey so far I have become aware of many things involved in my personal diet.

I don’t get enough nutrition from the foods I eat. I have never been fully aware of it before. The years I have spent counting points completely threw out my nutrition factors. I relished in the easy to fix things that I could shove in my mouth and added up their point’s value. Eventually the foods I ate the most fell into a routine and I fell into that routine too. I never thought about how much magnesium or potassium a food item had in it. Or whether or not I was getting my necessary amount of protein for the day, fats for the day, or carbs for the day. I have become aware that I was blankly eating random things that did nothing for me nutritionally. That awareness has come from the nutritional trackers at spark people. This may not mean much to others, but to me it was definitely a point that changed my approach and as a result I am trying to introduce as many people to sparkpeople as possible, but I can tell they don’t get it. It doesn’t click for them. So maybe this is my journey.

I have been able to integrate exercise into my everyday life. This step wasn’t that complicated for me. I have been on a path now for a few years to become more healthy and active. It started with a gym membership, then the couch to 5 K program, then going back to a gym I really enjoyed and holding fast with that for about two years. After that I went back to walking out side and occasionally trying to run from time to time. This year I have been very on top of it by waking up extra early to work out at the house in the mornings. Maybe it has had to do with quitting smoking... again....and trying to find things to do to keep myself busy and away from those cravings. I wake up in the morning and do my work out. I also walk my dog about 1.25 miles a day, on a good week, seven days of the week. I have also incorporated having TomTom ride his bike in the evenings along the route with me at least three times a week. I completed the 9 week challenge on the Wii Sports Active 2 and I am ready to move into the 28 day boot camp challenge at sparkpeople. I have taken this week off due to TomTom being out of town and it being the Mardi Gras season. I also log my daily exercises into spark people fitness trackers. The website also provides me with strength training routines to do three times a week. I have completed them weekly up until this week off. Leslie suggested I keep up with strength training because muscle burns so much more calories and fat - it helped her through her plateau.

Where am I now? Well, sparkpeople led me to the book Ravenous. And as I was reading it some things started to click with me. Another sentence from the book that called out to me went along the lines of this…. She didn’t fit in at home, and she didn’t fit in at school. She was going to have to make the decision - she was going to have to make her own place in this world - there was no part of the world that she just easily slid into. I can completely relate to this.

What lesson is this bringing to me? With my recent awareness about nutrition and my recent doctor visit that found my blood pressure very low – get that??? LOW from a person who has been on blood pressure medicine since 2006! That maybe I can change things from just general awareness. Food has always been a part of my family, as it was with the authors, maybe from my Italian background or just my Grandma Maud’s excellent and tasty southern cooking in general. Food was good. Always prepared with southern love and a meal was a meal - Not a small plate - a heaping plate - and at home we weren’t allowed to leave the table until the plate was empty. And I can’t forget the “Why did he get more than me???” Most of the time was the answer that he was a boy. I can also relate to the author’s inner rebel, because my inner rebel would come out at that point and tell myself that I could do whatever a boy could do, and this probably included eating more than I needed.

This all brings me to this week. My son is out of town with my parents and I am left to revel in the Mardi Gras spirit all alone. This week means a lot of things for me. I have some very sad moments when I realize how much I miss my son. I disguise it in my phone conversations with him, but there are tears in my eyes when I tell him I love him. I miss him. I also get to be back out in the real world on my own with no responsibility to return to, nothing waiting for me at home. I can do whatever I want, whenever I want, and this thrill usually only keeps me entertained for a day or two. Friday night my friend was nice enough to entertain me with some shopping. Then I came home and prepared for our parade outing the next day. Unfortunately the fates intervened and the parade was cancelled due to weather. Luckily, my plans with friends were still intact and we would just hang out at the bar for the day. Everything went well and I had a great time visiting, and meeting new people, a small reassurance to myself that I could still participate in that world. What I didn’t like is when I got my drink on people started handing me water and telling me I was getting a bit drunk. Was it that I was having a good time, and smiling and speaking freely that people decided to step in and act as if I needed to sober up a bit? I don’t think I behaved that badly. My brother bruised the entire tip of my nose from when he squeezed it which I barely remember him even doing. I was smoking again because I was drinking, a likely excuse I seem to keep telling myself and I had to take slack for that too. Or is it just the fact that someone has to rain on my parade?

My Aunt was nice enough to announce later to someone that I was not drunk and had in fact been drinking water for about an hour now. What the fuck? Let’s not forget that I haven’t really gotten out there and gotten hard core drunk since….. I don’t know??? New Years Eve??? And I was with my brother then anyway so they weren’t even there to witness it. I think about it now and wonder what was that thing I did that set off the comments? Could it been because I was having such a good time and being a general socialite? Why would anyone be against that? Or was it because my mouth got dirty when we played “ I never” and my aunt and uncle were there? When have I ever hid that I talk like a fucking sailor from my family? Not sure that I ever did? Do they just forget because most of the time I am disguised behind TomTom and the desire to be a good example for him? This is an issue that I could go on forever about so I am going to stop and get back to the main point. How my body felt the day after.

I sleep horribly when I am not in my own bed. And to top off my night with the futon I woke up two to four times and puked in the bathroom. I don’t remember how many times exactly, but I remember I was exhausted and very neat about it so that no one noticed. However, this does happen as I have become older and drink too much. My body no longer holds it in so that I can just sleep through it. I am compelled to wake up and puke.

I slept very lightly and woke up with every noise. When my cousins left the next morning I was pretty much awake but trying to deny it to myself. I had to use the restroom and it wasn’t a pleasant experience. My stomach was obviously screwed up and I had to deal with that as another issue on top of a night of puking and a general 35 year old hangover. I moved to the more comfy bed and tried to sleep some more. My other cousin returned home and I wasn’t in the mood to talk. I was still too busy trying to process how my body felt. I did have moments of realization that I might not want to drink ever again if this is how my body was going to react the next day. I was in a fog. I couldn’t really make coherent sentences much less even want to. My stomach had rebelled and I was dealing with that. A nice shower didn’t help make me feel any better. The smell of smoke in the apartment was enough to make me want to puke. One nostril was stuffed up and my breathing was pretty much labored and wheezy from giving into my smoking addiction. I didn’t want to eat and I wanted Gatorade, but I did not have a vehicle or the comprehension skills to wander into a gas station and check out. Abi wanted to talk and I couldn’t even be there for her because I was just trying to keep my head up. I don’t know how much sleep I had, but I had to keep moving because I had a day of parades to live through with my other friends.

They came to pick me up and I managed to hold it together for lunch and then I was off to doing it again. Drinking, smoking, etc. I finally started to feel somewhat better, but knew it was just the alcohol filling in the holes that were missing earlier. I had lots of fun but still had my general body issues in the background. I made it back to my home, ate my left over lunch and passed out on the sofa. I woke up around 5 AM and moved to my bed. I tossed and turned again. I tried to stay in bed as long as possible and make myself wake up around 1 AM. I felt like crap. My stomach was still an issue but I was still unable to actually use the bathroom. I remember there was a moment last night when I pissed my pants because I waited too long for the portopotty. How could no one have noticed???? There are many other things that happened and I am not going to mention them because it would be inappropriate and it is mine only to remember, or not remember how things ended up one way or another.

I woke up and had life waiting for me on my cell phone. I had to let a few friends know I was in no shape to do another day of it. My body had pretty much rejected me and I was left to deal with it. I walked to pick up the dog from the vet. A normal walk of about three to four blocks which usually left me energetic was draining and made me feel like an asthmatic again from the fucking smoking. I managed to pull sentences together enough to retrieve my dog, put on his leash and exit the vet for our walk home. My voice sounded like that of an 80 year old smoker. My tone was all wrong I said words loud that are normally soft spoken and vice versa. I was in no shape to be around other humans. I called my brother so someone knew I was still alive and pretty much made it back to the refuge of my home. The top and back of my throat was killing me - Maybe from tensing my jaw all night when I was sleeping? Not sure, but it hurts. I’m extremely tired. I decided to spend the day watching movies and reading. I am no longer drunk, but still not exceptionally well at driving my vehicle. I finished the Ravenous book in between movies and made myself some noodle soup and sweet tea for lunch. I didn’t think my stomach could handle much else under the conditions. I ate two turtles for breakfast and water, glasses of much needed water and some nice cold milk.

When I finished the book I was toying with the idea of doing the three day fast the author’s yoga teacher recommended. It was a tool for her to identify her real hunger from the other normal hunger that she easily relieves with food. She is allowed to drink a strained broth and water for three days.

At first I panicked and wondered if I could commit to three days without food. Then I realized TomTom wasn’t going to be home and I really had no reason to prepare food much less have anything substantial in the house to eat. It would be three days to learn about myself and the way I would react to it. I have decided the timing is perfect and I have no reason to not do it. Besides, it will help tip the scales in my favor for this week’s weigh in after a weekend of too much excess. And not to mention help my stomach by completely emptying it of whatever is in there bothering it. So I ventured out for the simple ingredients of the broth. I felt like I was in a fog. Like I existed in some separate universe that none of these other humans I saw in public could enter. I was detached from head to toe and barely able to make conversation enough to check out.

I went to three different stores for my last meal and broth ingredients. I returned to my house that is in such a state of disarray I can’t even think about it now. I will deal with it tomorrow when I am trying to keep myself busy and away from eating. By fasting for three days I will be able to eat again Friday morning. A nice breakfast I am thinking - for now, no more thinking about it. When I was out in line at the grocery store it dawned on me how much I hide behind my son. He is my main reason for existence at this point and everything I do is for him. I have no agenda, no personal need for survival. It is all energy that goes to him. I do not go to the grocery. I go for him, because it is the normal thing to do and to supply food for him. I would just grab take out as needed if he was not around. I talk to him at the grocery store, not others. He helps me make up the grocery list, he makes it all worthwhile. I was floating in space out there with no particular reasoning for anything, and I missed him like crazy. I felt out of place without him there. I wondered how in the hell I was going to survive when he moved away as I listened to horrible elevator music waiting for my turn to check out. Who in the fuck was I in this lifetime?

What is it that I want? Who is it that I want to be? And what will I have to do to start to make my place in this life? These are some great questions for me to think about when I have this time to myself. A week ago I was frantically trying to make plans to keep myself busy so I would not miss Thomas. Now I am looking forward to experiencing the next three days without food and how I am going to react. What do I need to realize so that I never feel like I have felt these past two days. I didn’t like the way I felt and I don’t want to feel like this again in the future. Those are the only two things I am certain of right now as I type on my couch.

These are the first steps on my journey. This is another step in my awareness of myself. This is where I will spend the next three days. I think this is going to be harder than any mushroom trip or acid trip. This is three hard cold days with me and my mind and battling through the various results of addictions, habits and the way I deal with things.