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Some things…

I don’t have much battery left on the old laptop so we will see how this one goes…
I’m in so many different directions right now as what I want to write about, but I will start with my dirty secret.  My corner in an extra room I have dedicated to scrap booking.  My son is going to be 8 years old, and I think the last time I scrapbooked with dedication was when he was one year old.  Since then, I have stowed everything that I thought important from his life in this area.  I keep.  I admit it.  I.  Keep.  Everything.  Then I go through it and purge a bit, but still, I keep.  This is a photo of the end result.

I keep.  Therefore, I am.  Whatevah!  I want to find a way to organize this mess and make it into a functional space that I can keep up with.  It is totally overwhelming when I go in there and look at it.  I smell a goal set: I will look for various ways to clean this mess up and ideas on how to get it organized into a keepsake for Thomas.  I will start with finding ideas on what others have done – God bless the internet!  Then I will make a plan on how to accomplish these ideas to work for me.  Then I will start cleaning up the mess one pile at a time.
And on to other news… the other night I tried a tomato peel off mask that I discovered on http://www.crunchybetty.com/.  It consisted of 1/2 cup of a squeezed tomato, for the juice, and one packet of plain gelatin.  You mix together on low heat until the gelatin is dissolved and then let it set until it is “almost” of jello consistency.  Then you slop it all over your face and let it dry.  Then you peel it off which results in beautiful skin. 
I hate tomatoes, other than ketchup and spaghetti sauce.  It was hard for me to slop the tomatoes on my face with the smell and hate and all, but I did it.  This is what I looked like after it was wet and on my face.
I don’t know if you can see the tomato-ey sheen to my face, but it is there.  After letting it dry on my face for about 45 minutes I started the peel off process.  It dried so tight on my face it felt like I was peeling off my skin.  I also worried that peeling it off was basically like waxing the hair on my face.  It hurt.  And I think it was peeling the hair off of my neck too – this is the area I started peeling first.  After a few minutes of pain from the peel off process I took a warm rag to it and it wiped off very easily.  However, I don’t think I will be slopping it on my entire face anymore.  I will probably use her other suggested method of just using it as a peel off nose strip for those pesky blackheads. 
As for the 17 day diet, I am still trekking on somewhere in the middle of cycle 3.  Things are going well and since I have been tracking my 1600 calories a day I have been steadily losing weight.
That’s all for now – battery warning just lit up!
More to follow next time. 

Short & Sweet

I would like to say “Thank you!” to my babysitter last night for showing up and allowing me to have a very spontaneous night out with family and friends in Hammond.  I had a great time and was glad to leave Hammond behind when I was done!  It had been a very long time since I haunted the bars in my old college town… and not much has changed.  There are new faces, new clothing styles, but everything else has stayed the same. 

After returning home to the reality that is my life, I was able to sleep late.  I sort of blew my diet yesterday evening with drinking and food.  I was at about 900 calories by the time I got home from work Friday night and took TomTom to get a treat for getting good behavior all week in class.  We went to the Shiver Shack in Mandeville on the Trailhead.  I had previously bought a groupon so I figured I would treat him and reward his good behavior.  He picked a “Birthday Cake” snowball.  It was yellow cake batter flavor and wedding cake flavor with condensed milk and sprinkles on top.  I chose a pulled pork sandwich with coleslaw on it and a “Doberge Cake” snowball.  It was yellow cake batter flavor and chocolate cream flavor.  I asked for condensed milk on it too.

The sandwich I ate was excellent, considering I bought it from a snowball stand.  The snowball didn’t come with the requested condensed milk so I figured the diet gods were on my side on that one.  And I didn’t think the snowball was all that great.  When you got down to the middle of it there was no syrup on the ice.  We have pretty high expectations on snowballs over here.  Overall, I will stick to Papa Sams for future snowballs, but if you are at the trailhead the Shiver Shack is probably your most convenient place.

After my off-the-diet dinner and about four beers and a shot of tequila later…. I woke up this morning and decided to step on my worst enemy…. THE SCALE!!!  I pulled it out of the closet and got on board.  To my utter excitement and a look to the heavens with a big THANK YOU I lost about 3 more pounds. 

Could my theories be correct?  Was I not eating enough calories for the past three weeks and therefore not losing any weight on the scale??? So far, my theory has proven itself correct.  I have been struggling to hit my 1600 calories a day, but have managed to do it before I hit the bed every night.  And to be sweetly rewarded by a 3 pound loss is more than I could have ever asked for!!! Thank you again to the diet gods!!!!

And though this blog wasn’t as short and sweet as I expected... I am short and sweet.  And I find that a perfect line to end on.. until next time!

Thursday is Over

It’s been another long week with work and I am glad it is almost over.  I have a ton of paperwork to sift through tomorrow and I am NOT looking forward to it.
On a better note…. I am still in Cycle 3 of the 17 day diet.  I have started to analyze everything I do as far as eat and exercise to come to the conclusion as to why I didn’t lose any weight in Cycle 2 and have yet to lose weight in Cycle 3.  The most current theory I have come up with is that I am not eating enough calories.  After logging everything I put into my mouth over the past three days I am only hitting the 1300 calorie mark because I find something to shove in my mouth at the end of the day to hit that limit.  According to my own personal research, I should be eating at least 1300 – 1600 calories a day (1300 being on the much lower end) in order to lose 1 -  2 pounds per week.  All I can do is experiment, yet again, and continue to log in my calories and weigh in next week and see if it has made a difference.
I feel like I am trying to seek out that happy medium that my body needs to finally click and lose some weight.  I’m older, and just going on a diet doesn’t seem to be working anymore.  It feels like there are all these equations and factors that have to be met to get the perfect results and VOILA!  You lose a pound!  That’s a lot of work for that pesky pound, but it would be worth it.
My co-worker is also on this diet and is steadily losing weight.  She has lost weight in both Cycle 2 & Cycle 3.  It is a little discouraging, but it doesn’t last long because I know what an achievement it is to lose that weight and I can only be happy for her.  Then I go back to my little head and try to analyze what I am doing that is not giving me the same success.  Is it the age difference, she is 10 years younger than I am, is it the exercise she is doing vs. the exercise I am doing??  She doesn’t seem to be hitting her calories either, but she is still losing the weight so it isn’t much of a concern for her.  This isn’t something I have just started to battle.  It is a battle I have been having with my body for over a year now.  I have done exhausting workouts with trainers, walked miles upon miles, ran miles upon miles, dieted – you name it I have tried it – and without much success.  Logging my calories eaten and calories burned is my last stop before I take all this to a doctor and/or nutritionist.  I will take all these printed out papers and say WTF??? What is going on here?  I don’t want to take any medicines to make it right.  I just want to find the answer.  What else do I need to do to lose weight?  That is pretty much the only source occupying the frustration side of my mind. 
On the creative side, I made my own lip gloss tonight for the first time.  I had all the ingredients around the house and decided to whip some up.  This is what it looks like sitting on my night stand “setting” until tomorrow morning when I can cap it up and put it in my purse.  It is an experiment for one of many planned Christmas presents for friends and family this year.  You can see where I haven’t been able to keep my finger from dabbing in it even though it hasn’t set yet.

As for TomTom, I love that kid.  He told me that this diet thing just isn’t working and he is going to love me know matter what I look like…  that I was always going to be his mom.  Yep, I love him!  He is getting back into the flow of school and enjoying his gifted classes.  He is studying a grade level above his own in math and reading and about to start soccer at the end of August.  I am going to enjoy this next week because it is the last normal week we have before all the extra curricular activities start full blast.  We will have religion on Monday, soccer on Tuesday, Cub Scouts on Wednesday, soccer on Thursday and hopefully nothing on Friday.  Phew!  Just thinking about it makes me want to pull out the calendar and start writing it all down.
Thanks to TomTom’s motivation I have quit smoking… again.  I fumbled over the weekend when I was drinking and bummed a smoke today to appease a craving.  I am learning what triggers a craving and for the most part trying to avoid those things.  This is easier said than done.  I learned today that chewing gum is a trigger for me.  I always popped a piece and went out to smoke.  Today I popped a piece and had a huge craving that I gave into – but I am going to pick myself up and push forward with the hopes of not falling prey to another craving.
I have made a goal to do three journal entries per week.  For me that will be blog entries per week.  So here I am writing my first entry of the week on Thursday (I know, I’m late, right???)  Better late than never.  Until next time…

The 17 Day Diet – Cycle 2

I am well into Cycle 2 of the 17 day diet.

I lost 12 pounds in the first 17 day cycle.  Dr. Mike estimates you to lose 50% of the weight you lose in the first cycle, in the second cycle.  That would be an additional 6 pounds for me.  However, I have lost absolutely nothing in the first 10 days.  I am officially finished with this cycle on Saturday of this week.  Today is Monday.  I have gone to the extreme of hiding my scale in the back of my closet because I was obsessing on how much weight I haven’t lost.  I can tell you for a heavy woman, to eat very little variety, and work out regularly, and still not lose weight is perhaps one of the most frustrating feelings I can have in my life.

I am doing everything the way you I am supposed to do it, and the scale will still not budge.  And the scale has a lot of budging that it is still able to do if I want to get down to my goal weight.  It makes you want to just say screw it and go have a hamburger or something, because you would weigh the same thing if you devoured a hamburger that you weigh from eating a salad and doing your work out.

What gives?

Here is a recap of what my cycle 1 day was today:

350 calorie Breakfast: 2 scrambled eggs (140 calories), with a 1/8 cup lowfat probiotic milk (16 calories), 1 oz colby jack shredded cheese (37 calories), ground turkey breast (120 calories) with mexican seasoning (15 calories), onions (15 calories) and bellpeppers (6 calories)

Snack: Apple (95 calories)

589 calorie Lunch: turkey burger (240 calories) with a tbspn of light mayo (50 calories) and  ketchup (30 calories) to dip in.  Carrots (50 calories) cooked in 1 tbspn olive oil (119 calories), with dill and salt and pepper.  Juice of one squeezed orange (100 calories).

280 calorie Snack: Iced Coffee with homemade agave chocolate syrup (150 cals)  and 8 oz probiotic milk (130 calories)

40 calorie Snack:  (15 calories) dipped in Hidden Valley Ranch dip made with Vosko’s greek yogurt (25 cals)(1 –2 tbspn)

416 calorie Dinner: chicken breast  (130 calories) in 1 tbspn  (119 calories) olive oil with spinach (7 calories) and alfredo sauce made from: 1/2 cup probiotic milk (65 calories), 2 tbspn chicken broth (5 calories), 2 tbspn Vosko’s greek yogurt (25 calories) , 1/4 cup lowfat parmesan cheese (65 calories).  I did not eat most of the alfredo sauce.  Just cooked the chicken and spinach in it, then picked them out as as I ate it and washed the rest of the sauce down the drain.

80 calorie Snack: 1/ 2 cup sugar free fat free chocolate fudge pudding made with probiotic milk (80 calories)

So that is a total of 1850 calories.  I am trying to meet my calorie allotment as advised by a friend’s trainer.  1850 is still a seriously controlled calorie count for me.  I am generously giving myself calories in the above count too.  I threw out some of my eggs and didn’t eat my alfredo sauce. 

The weight should be coming off. 

I will weigh myself at the end of this cycle and look for that weight loss.

Until then…. good night.

Any advice????

Getting to know you again

Well, what can I say?
It's been awhile.
You are still looking good!
And many other fancy lines that skirt around the actual fact that it has been a really long time since I have wrote something in my blog.
Why?  I've managed to keep myself busy doing other unimportant and insignificant things.
Or I just haven't made the time to sit here and type something up.
So let's get past all the excuses and whining and get to the meat of this post...
Where am I now?
I am sitting in my bed, a few months older, but not much wiser, as the end nears to this too fast summer of 2011.  School will be starting just around the corner and my life will resume its normal routine once again.

Today is August 1st - and I have officially quit smoking... again.  I think that will be the third time in 2011.  Let's not mention how many times I have been down this road before.  One thing I am doing different is using "the patch" and looking to my son when I need some serious motivation to get thru cravings.  Maybe that is what the difference is for tonight.  Instead of spending this time smoking a cigarette on my carport with the dog and cats I am in my room typing a post to keep my hands and mind occupied.
It sounded like a good plan to me.

And since my life is and always will be made up of a plethora of dieting I should add that I am currently on cycle 2 of "The 17 day diet".  As for all those great workouts I accomplished at the beginning of the year, I hit a great lull on the workout front and lost all motivation up until I started the 17 day diet about 20 days ago.  The diet recommends exercising for about 17 minutes a day to keep up the weight loss.  I have been doing about 17 minutes on the treadmill and slowly increasing my incline by one notch every week.  I usually do this Monday thru Thursday, and also do a yoga practice in the evenings on these same nights.  I haven't been able to put much time into exercising on the weekend because I spend that time with TomTom.  I do try to make something we do together active so I get my calorie burning in one way or the other.

And this is where I am right now.  Getting used to the diet regime, continuing on with the exercising, and coping with nicotine withdrawals...again.

This is a pretty generic post... but it is a new start to a good habit.

ASES Art Expo

Tonight was the Art Expo at school.  We are still under lock down so we ran through to see TomTom’s art before we headed home for the night.

Lock Down – Day 5 & 6

TomTom was back on it Monday for check marks that finally counted toward his toy bags.  He ended the day some where around 37 checks.  This was mainly because he brought home many tests with A’s on them from school.

Tuesday came and went.  By tomorrow AM he should have enough checks to get a toy bag back.  Every time he answers me he says yes or no ma’am.  I have been trying to say thank you every time I notice it.  Tonight after his bath I was asking every day questions and every answer was one right after the other of yes ma’ams.  I asked him if he was going to ma’am me to death now and he giggled at me and said yes ma’am.  It sure is nice finally getting a little respect.  I look forward to giving him that bag of toys tomorrow.

Spring is still happening….

Our Robin Hood roses on the side of our front lawn.

Our purple irises

Lock Down – Day 4

He was ready to wake up Sunday and play.  I had to be the beast of burden and remind him he was still punished.  I wanted to garden today.  I stuck him outside with the pressure washer to get the green gook off the house that builds up every year at this time.  He basically loosened up all the low dirt so I could just run back over it quickly to complete the job. 

After he did the back shed (pictured above) he moved on to the back, side and front of the house.  He completed everything including the outdoor furniture before he took a break for lunch.  Then he continued on with the laundry and re-mopped the floor where it got dirty from our in and out all day long.

At then end of an exhaustive lock down weekend he made it back to zero.  As of Monday, every check he earned would go toward a bag of toys unless he fudged it up with a lie or temper tantrum.

First Baseball Game 2011

This past Saturday was TomTom’s first baseball game… ever.  No more tee ball!!!!  His team is Abita’s version of the New York Mets.  Go METS!  Here he is throwing the ball at the pre-game practice.

And with his gear as we move from practice to the playing field.

  And here is the team all together.

The Cats Get Out

While TomTom was at First Communion practice on Sunday I let the cats explore the back yard again.  They made it to the vet for their first round of boosters so I was getting them ready for the outside world.  They had been out with us for a brief time before and are waiting by the door to get out again.  I was working in the yard and had the dog out there too.  I promised myself I wouldn’t get mad if they went in the garden and if the left the yard.  If they wanted to stay by the love and the food… they would.

They loved jumping onto the tree and hanging on for their lives while the other snuck up from behind and attacked them.  Edward was a bit more frisky and looked a bit more menacing when he was prowling around my lettuce plants.

He never once ate or bothered the lettuce plants so that was refreshing.  And here he is watching the birds and listening to the outside noises.

Alice was a bit more timid and stuck to the tomato garden.  I walked over to her saying she better not be sitting on any plants… and she wasn’t.  She had been very particular about how she was hiding in the tomatoes and was careful not to hurt any plants.  She got all kind of loving and praise for this one.

Lock Down – Day 3

This Saturday was crazy insane with our schedule.  TomTom started the morning with his check list, but we were out the door at 8 AM running late for his First Communion practice.  I left him at the church and returned to pick him up at 1130 AM.  Because he missed some details on his check list we returned home.  He had to complete them before we continued the mandatory things we had that day. 

When he was done we headed to my work picnic with exactly 50 minutes to get in and get out.  We grabbed some food for lunch.  I had notified my co-workers that he was punished and not to push him to go on the water slide, etc.  He was going to be chained to my side and that was the end of it.  Before we entered the front door I reminded him he could rack up points with the ma’ams and sirs and by responding to people that talked to him and not being shy.

As soon as we got in my boss’ boss greeted us and told him hello.  He was all over that with a response and a ma’am.  Points for TomTom… Points for Mom.  Then he ate right next to me.  He put some things in the trash for me.  I gave him a five minute hiatus so he could swing right behind me while I finished my crawfish.  His friend from school showed up at the picnic and I knew we would be leaving soon so I let them run around for what was just a few moments.  I said hello to a few people, went back to get TomTom and we were heading out the door.  A co-worker showed up and told him hello and he responded to her even though he was balancing on a rail and eating a cookie.  Points for TomTom.

Then we headed home to change into baseball gear.  He had his first baseball game of the season.  Real Baseball.  Not tee ball.  I made sure to continue the testing.  I corrected his negative behaviors as soon as they happened during his pregame practice.  I went over to the dug out as needed to congratulate him or give him pointers.  All went well.  He wasn’t perfect because of his excitement and reaction to the other boys who were misbehaving, but all in all no drama.

TomTom wanted to head home after the game and I was all for that.  We went home and after relaxing for a brief moment I reminded him of his negative points and to look at his check list for what he could earn points for in addition to his daily tasks.  He offered to vacuum.  I had to check over it and have him redo it a few times, but he got it done.  He offered to dust.  I again had to check over it and he redid some parts, but it got done.  He sorted laundry into colors.  I supervised him putting clothes into the washer, dryer, and taking it to my room and showing him how to fold and get things put away.  I steam cleaned the floor and he followed behind me with clean rags on his feet wiping up the steam water.  We were going at it with chores for about four hours and I gave him about a ten and twenty minute break every hour.

Then we went to my mom’s for dinner and he helped her serve the food and put dirty dishes into the sink.  We were both exhausted on the way home and agreed we would count up checks the next morning.

Lock Down – Day 2

TomTom woke up and got right on his check list.  He added making his bed to get an extra check.  He forgot a detail here and there when we reviewed the list on the way to school and I informed him when he got home he needed to complete the item to get the check mark. 

I also reminded him to respond to the teacher in car line for an easy check.  The teacher opened the door with a “Good Morning!”  TomTom said “Good Morning” and headed off to the cafeteria.  That sneaky teacher must have known what was going on because she snuck in a “Have a good day” when he was half way in between the car and the cafeteria.  I thought for sure it was a lost cause.  He turned his head back to us and said “Thank you.  You have a good day too.”  Well Lord Almighty!  I think both me and the teacher craned our neck back around to confirm that it was that little boy responding so politely.

After school he had baseball practice – the scene of the crime – I told him I would be testing him constantly and talking to him all through practice to maintain his check list.  My cousin showed up for practice either to confirm I wasn’t legally insane or to just be supportive after my batting cage mini drama.  I explained to him TomTom was on Lock Down, but didn’t give him the details.  He probably just added it to the crazy list as I wrote check marks on my hand every time TomTom hit 10 balls or made it to first base, etc. 

During the entire practice I stayed near TomTom and gave him pointers and corrected him for behaviors to see if he would react in a negative way.  Nothing.  No negative reaction.  He listened when I talked.  Overall, it was a good night at baseball practice. 

My cousin brought up at one point that there were 15 children on the team and the only name you were hearing was “Thomas.”  I cocked my neck back around to look at him with complete exasperation and asked “Am I not supposed to be correcting him?!”  He completely turned into a confused man.  He shrugged and his honesty came across when he said “I have no idea whatsoever.”  This made me realize he was just making a point.  He doesn’t have children of his own.  He actually has no idea whatsoever.  And you know what?  Neither do I.  I have no freaking clue.  I did feel confident that I am correcting behaviors with our check list system.  I have been given some affirmations from TomTom and know that the system I have created is currently working for us.  And I know that the only way you know about these things is through experience.  And the other parents on the field with me had no clue either as to how they would react if they were in my shoes.  But we all try the best we can to be the best parents possible, and that helps us develop into the people we are as parents.

I also made it a point to talk to the other mom who offered to help out with TomTom getting to practice when I started crying the other night.  I again thanked her for her kindness and told her that no one had ever offered anything like that to me.  I explained that I was completely overcome with how awesomely kind that was the other night, and on top of my son’s temper tantrum, well… I just apologized for crying.  She said she understood and she had been there before too – a typical mom response – and basically blew me off.  Probably, again, I had another fan thinking I was completely insane.  I wanted to make the point that I was grateful and point out how kind she was, and I think I got that point across to her.  It at least lifted the weight off of my shoulders and I went back to watching TomTom at practice.

Overall it was a good day.  The Ma’am’s are improving and he seems eager to earn his checks and get his toys back.  He has moments when he slips back into being a smart ass, but I get a bit loud and ask him who he thinks he is talking to and remind him of his current lock down state.  I have also realized how much of his past attitude I had enabled by allowing him to have an opinion or talk his way in or out of something.  I need to stop at NO.  And when he asks Why can’t he?  or goes on into a spiel about how it is unfair or whatever blah, blah, blah he comes at me with I need to shut it down immediately and resort back to the NO.  And when he disrespects any adult, including my parents, they also need to shut it down immediately.  I’ve caught him start it around my parents and I have to raise my voice to accent my seriousness and remind him that he is the child and his response is yes or no ma’am or sir and that is the end of it. 

Batting Cages

It was day one of TomTom’s lock down and because he did not perform very well at baseball practice, and it was an attempt for him to get energy out, and earn checks, I took him to the batting cages Thursday night.  My cousin went out to meet us to give us some “Man” pointers on baseball.  It was a rainy night, or it wanted to rain, but never quite got there.  I called the park ahead to make sure they were open and they confirmed that it wasn’t raining at the park. 

We arrived and the batting cages were jam packed with the park teams practicing.  I asked the high school guys working at the office if we could bat with everything going on and they said if a cage was open we could just jump in and bat.  I cashed in a $10 bill and settled down with the idea that this might take more than 10 minutes.  TomTom and his cousin were practicing batting in the field with a rock and his bat.  As I sat and waited on the benches I heard the conversations around me about the batting cages being over booked.  I then asked one of the coaches that was holding up a batting cage with no one in it if we could jump in and bat.  He told me it was set up for soft ball, not baseball.  He kept repeating this, over and over.  Who gives a crap?  Can my child bat or not???

A light clicked on in my head and I realized that maybe they couldn’t say “No, you can’t bat” because it was a public area even though it was obviously over booked.  I got pissed.  TomTom had waited in line at that point and I had him and my cousin as a captive audience as I went back over to the high school boy in charge of this operation.  I asked again for the third time, actually the fourth if you include the initial phone call to the park, is my child going to be able to bat tonight?  I once again got the response that if a cage was open we could use it.  I pressed harder as a pissed off mom does – A cage was open, but I was told it was not set up for baseball.  What is the chance of a cage opening up – for baseball – that we can bat in?  Then he proceeded to tell me that they were booked up with team practices until 830 PM that night, but if a cage was open we could go in.  Then I got nasty. 

What exactly is the chance of a cage opening and us getting in little boy???? Ok. Maybe I didn’t say “little boy” out loud, but I could tell my cousin was getting weirded out because I was getting pissy with the poor innocent high school boy.  At this point he admitted it was slim to none. AFTER ASKING YOU, WAITING IN LINE,  AND ASKING THE COACH, THE THIRD TIME I ASK YOU ARE GOING TO TELL ME WE CAN’T???????????  Why didn’t you just say that the first time and I would have left without getting pissy with you?  Then I looked at my hand full of tokens and looked at him with much anger and asked if I could get my cash back?   He then told me he didn’t handle cash and there was no way for me to get my money back.  I grumbled and informed him that if they would give out this information when people called to check and see if the batting cages were open and available it would save us all a lot of time and aggravation. 

My cousin was weirded out because of my mini drama.  TomTom was sent packing into the car.  My cousin was trying to make it better because he could see I was pissed, but we wasted about 30 minutes dealing with crappy information and it was time for us to go home and get dinner and get to bed.

On my ride home, for the first time in my life since having a child and no longer using recreational drugs, I considered the fact that maybe I needed to ask the doctor about valium or something to calm my nerves for the current condition of my life and the way I was reacting to things with the watery eye bullshit.  That thought got lost amongst many others in the first mile of my drive home and reflecting back on the moment now I think I was maybe just having a really bad couple of weeks.

Lock Down – Day One

It was Thursday morning of last week and I woke up and explained the system to TomTom from one end to another.  He had already woken up and brushed his teeth before I explained it to him so I figured I would test him on his lying about completing a task.  I asked him if he brushed his teeth for one minute and used his mouth wash – again, I knew he didn’t but was testing him – he said he did.  I asked him if he was sure about this and reminded him that lying was worth 80 checks.  He continued to insist he did.  Well, that was a lie.  I explained to him how I knew it was a lie because he hadn’t seen the checklist when he brushed his teeth.  I witnessed him brush his teeth in my bathroom and it took him about 20 seconds from start to finish and there was no mouth wash involved – he made it to (–80) checks at that point.

He also wore his robe outside to let the dog out.  I HATE when he does this.  He goes outside in his underwear and a robe because he sees my old lady neighbor in her robe and thinks it is ok.  I feel it is an open invitation for a Chester-the-molester and have repeatedly asked him to put on his uniform before he lets the dog out.  Because he wore his robe outside he didn’t get credit for letting the dog out.  Yes, I was being strict about the checks, but the “I wish I could stab you” was still fresh in my memory.

There were two other things that I had checked on and he did not complete, however he was telling me he did complete them.  Because he lied he made it to (–240) at that point and I asked him if he thought he was going to lie again.  I got a head movement from side to side and a “nah-uh”.  I held my hand up to my ear and asked “What was that?”  After getting his sound version of “no” and repeating my “What was that?” question, he finally got the point and said “No ma’am.” 

In the car on the way to school we went over the bonus check list.  Things he could put effort into to gain checks that took minimal effort.  One of my pet peeves is when the teachers open the car door for him they say “Good Morning” and I usually respond as TomTom wanders off to the cafeteria without acknowledging them.  I reminded him if he responded to the teacher with a “Good Morning” and “Thank you and you have a good day too” he could easily earn a check.  Low and behold when he opened the door and the teacher said good morning I heard him say loud and clear “Good Morning” as he walked off to the cafeteria.  Hallelujah!  This might actually work!

There were a few other instances on day one when he wanted to give me some explanation or excuse as to why he did or did not do something the way it was listed on the check list.  I ignored his talking and reminded him that he was punished.  He had no opinion.  The only response he was allowed was yes or no ma’am to me and action when I spoke to him. 

I also explained to my parents what happened so they would follow through with the punishment when he got off the bus at their house.  There was no TV, no computer, just homework and then they would drop him off at my house.  If for any reason my father (who enables TomTom to do whatever he wants) had an issue with the punishment, my mother was to pack TomTom up in her car and bring him directly to me.  Neither one of them had an issue with it when I explained to them what happened at baseball practice.

By the end of this day we were both tired.  He was in his bed and I told him to call for me when he was ready to be tucked in.  20 minutes later I went into his room and he was writing a note.  I told him he did not listen to my request so I subtracted 10 more checks.  He said he didn’t hear me – which was bull crap – and told him if he had any questions in the future about what he should be doing he simply needs to ask me.

End of the  day tally – he was at (–250).  He completed about 25 items on the check list.

Final total = (–225).

TomTom Lock Down

After his temper tantrum the other day I came up with this system I now call “The Lock Down”.  I made up two page of check lists.  The first page is chores or things that TomTom completes on a daily basis that he can earn a check mark for completing.  The second page is a bonus page of things out of the normal daily routine that TomTom can earn a check for completing. 

TomTom has had a pretty easy life this far.  My agreement with him was that as long as he made A’s and B’s on his report card he didn’t have to do many chores around the house.  Occasionally clean his room and pick up his things, but most of the time I cleaned up after him.  That method obviously was no longer working.  His mouth and his attitude and his anger had gotten out of control.  He disrespects pretty much everyone when he is in a bad mood from me to his grand parents to any one else that happens to be around him when he wants to lash out.  The baseball practice temper tantrum was the last straw and the moment when I realized that if it got any worse than telling me “he wished he could stab me” that it would only be my fault.  The child is seven years old.  By saying “he wishes he could stab me”, and on top of that saying it in front of other parents and teammates, he had crossed one too many lines.

I started out with a checklist print out from my printer.  It is a 8 1/2 x 11 landscape print out with three columns of lines and check boxes next to them.  There are 15 check boxes on each column for a total of 45 check boxes per page.  There are two pages of items he can check off.  I stared at the blank pages for a what seemed like forever.  I started filling in things that TomTom already does on a daily basis and adding to them so that he would do the things completely and not half-ass anymore.  Then when I was all out of those ideas I searched online for some chores that 7 to 8 year olds were capable of around the house.  Well, needless to say, I was amazed at what a 7/8 year old could do that mine was not doing – these things came from chore lists, home school lists, and other charts from different families and groups.

Please note this is my personal method that I have created and have no proof at this point of its effectiveness.  I figure it would adapt itself as needed as we continue with TomTom’s current Lock Down status.

On a separate piece of paper in big blue sharpie I wrote the rules of the checklist and posted them on the refrigerator in case he had any questions in the future.  The rules for the check lists are as follows:

1) Complete 80 checks and he earns one garbage bag of toys back.  It is Mom’s choice what bag he receives back.

2) Lie about completing a task and 80 checks are subtracted from your total *MOM WILL CHECK*

3) Throw a fit or have a temper tantrum and all checks for that day are erased.

4) Do a task incomplete and check it off anyway = subtract 20 checks

5) Ask for something special to do or buy before you earn your toy bags back  = subtract 10 checks

The check lists were then posted and I made several copies of them.  If he does his normal daily routine he could earn approximately 30 checks.  I did that on purpose so it wouldn’t seem like an unreachable goal that he would lose interest in and just stop working for the toy bags.  I have a child who can be completely content with books, pencils, and paper.  I had to manipulate my system to work for him.  This way he could see that in about three days of moderate effort he could earn the toys back.  However, if he pushed for it and completed more than his normal daily tasks, he could earn the toys back sooner.

There are the items on his daily checklist:

Things he does most days anyways, each being worth one check:

Put dog outside, feed dog in his bowl, wash out dog’s water bowl in sink, put clean water in bowl, hang dog leash up, take 1 each gummy vitamins, take 1 singulair, put pj’s in dirty clothes bin, brush teeth 1 minute with morning toothpaste and mouth wash, put away tooth brush & tooth paste, wash face in morning, remind mom about zyrtec in the morning, put snack in school bag, complete ALL homework, hang rag up in shower, hang up towel, hang up robe, put dirty day time clothes in laundry bin, turn clothes & socks right side out before putting in dirty clothes bin, turn undies inside out before putting in dirty clothes bin, brush teeth 1 minute with night time toothpaste & mouth wash, put away tooth brush & paste, wash face at night, put allergy lotion on at night, read AR book, take AR test, get 100% on AR test.

Like I said, the above tasks he already did in a day, but didn’t do them to the standard I would like so I tweaked them into a step by step process where he would earn checks for them.  With the above alone he would earn 28 checks.  Then I added some of “Mom’s wish list” items that I wouldn’t mind his help with, these things were also listed on the chores that 7/8 year olds can help with when I researched on the internet:

Clean off desk in room, clean off floor of room, make bed in morning, help with laundry, help with dishes, help clean kitchen table, help vacuum den, be nice to mom when she tries to help at baseball, do addition flash cards, do subtraction flash cards, complete a task the first time you are asked, get an A on a test at school, make it to first base at baseball, hit 10 balls at batting cage, have good attitude at baseball, have good attitude at cub scouts, behave at cub scouts, help at grocery store and put the groceries away.

Being that this is a mom’s wish list, not too many of the above items get done in a day.  They basically are for when he wants to show effort and do extra things to earn his toys back. 

I also added a Bonus Checklist for things that he can help with according to the internet research that I knew he wouldn’t have time to normally complete in a day.  However, if he wanted to push forward and find something to do he would have the things to reference on the check list:

Help Nana with something, Help Pawpaw with something, take time out to control emotions, be in bed by 7 PM, take bath by 630 PM, say “yes or no ma’am” or “yes or no sir” to an adult other than immediate family (the goal of this one is that it is expected with his immediate family not check worthy), say good morning and respond to the teacher that opens the door in car line.  The next items on this list are categorized under ASK MOM BEFORE DOING: bring in the mail, bring garbage can to carport, dust furniture, take out trash, bring home 100% correct work sheets from daily school work, sweep outside areas, wipe bathroom sink area, set laundry into color piles, clean out inside of car, clean TV area, clean piano area, clean cubbies by sofa, put sofa blankets in washer, put sofa blankets in dryer, clean up you things out of mom’s room, wipe down baseboards in hall, den, bedroom, bathroom, kitchen, mop & vacuum your bathroom, clean your shower, clean your toilet.

TomTom Temper Tantrum

Last Wednesday at baseball practice TomTom had a scrimmage with another team to practice for his first game later that weekend.  When we showed up at our normal practice time of 7 pm the players were already on the field and he joined in the action.  I sat on the bleachers prepared to read up on some gardening while watching practice.

TomTom went up to bat and struck out.  He wasn’t planting his feet and was barely swinging his bat.  He went out to play his position in outfield and when he made it back to the dug out I put down my books to go give him some reminder tips on batting.  He was lined up to bat with his helmet on and bat in hand.  I called out to him and gave him some quick pointers, but he wasn’t acknowledging me.  I called to him again and got little to no response.  I was no more than the wind blowing in his ears.  I told him to come over to me and he resisted as I reached out to him to get him close enough to make eye contact with me.  I was reminding him to plant his feet and swing hard.  Simple words delivered in a simple method.  He began pulling away from me and went straight into a temper tantrum about how he lost his place in line to bat.  The coach was no more than six feet away from us and had not called TomTom’s name to go wait for his turn to bat.  I told him all he had to do was get back in line.  Then he started crying and went into full anger mode getting very loud about how I made him miss his turn to bat.  It was a bit ridiculous and his anger was looming out of control.

He had caused such a scene with the other parents around us as I was telling him to get back in line to bat.  He continued to insist he missed his turn, which was clearly not the actual situation, and would not get back into line.  I told him at that point to go sit at the tables across from the dug out until he got his temper under control.  He stomped off in extreme anger with what sounded like “God….!” and cursing me under his breath.  He also said he wished he could stab me.  Well, that was enough fun for me.

I followed him back to the tables and he threw his bat on the ground.  I told him to pick up his bat and place it down next to him at the table.  He picked up the bat and threw it on the ground under the table.  I told him to pick it up again and sit down and calm himself down.  He sat with his head in his hands, crying, temper tantrum to the max, fussing about how I made him miss his turn to bat.  This scene took about maybe ten minutes.  Whatever happened with the game behind us I was not sure of, but I know that it ended and the kids started packing up their stuff.  I went back to the dug out and gathered up his baseball equipment and stood by the fence to listen to what the team was doing.

The coach called the team back out onto the field for one last pep talk and called out “Thomas??? Is Thomas still here?”  I went back to the tables and told TomTom his coach was calling for him.  He rudely said “What does he want?”  I told him he was a part of the team and his coach was looking for his participation.  TomTom said he wasn’t going out on the field.  I told him if this is what baseball practice was going to be that we wouldn’t return in the future and that he would be punished when we got home.  TomTom responded with “How does this effect me?”

The very thin piece of straw that had been holding me together through our busy schedule the last three weeks had finally snapped.  I walked back over to the fence to get the last announcements the Coach was giving the team.  When the team was dismissed I walked over to the tables and told TomTom to get a move on to the car… NOW!

He strolled along as if nothing was wrong and got into the back seat to get buckled in his seatbelt.  I was loading his baseball gear into the back of the car and when I shut the car door I was approached by another team mom.  She is a very sweet woman and I have chatted with her a bit at previous practice nights.  She offered me any help I might need to get to practice on time by picking TomTom up or whatever I might need help with and told me she does the same with another mom on the team.  I was so angry with TomTom at this point.  When I get angry, for whatever the case is, I cry.  I hate it, but I cry.  My eyes were already watery from the temper tantrum and I had held it together to the car.  After her offer I was so overwhelmed with emotion that the water works started to flow.  I told her that was so sweet and I really appreciated it, but we would be ok for now making the practices.  I also explained that we had just had a rough couple of weeks and apologized for my water works.  She saw that I was starting to cry and gave a polite “Awwwwwwww.”  Her sympathy because I was crying made me angry too because I hate when people see my moments of weakness and I thanked her again and got into the car.

On the drive home I was trying to regain my sanity to not hurt the small child in the back seat of my car.  I realized he was flipping through a magazine with all the attitude in the world.  I reached back and snatched the magazine out of his hands and threw it into the front seat.  I looked at him in my rear view mirror and like a demonic-psycho-crazy-bitch-of-a-mom explained a few things to him.

1) That if he thought his seven year old antics and temper tantrums embarrassed me and made me feel inferior that he had absolutely no idea the experiences I have been through in this lifetime.

2) That if he had any idea what hell was before, he was going to know what hell was by the time I was done with him.

3) He was as of this moment punished from anything and everything and would have no privileges from this moment on.

4) He would be only reporting to school, home, and mandatory team functions during his punishment.

And I think there was some other screaming in there, but I must have blanked out because all I remember was anger and crazy screaming at him in the car.

We made it back to the house and I told him to get everything of his out of the back seat of the car because it was my car and I let him ride in it.  Then he was to go inside the house and get into the bath and then get into bed.

While he was getting his things out of the car I went and grabbed several garbage bags from under the sink.  I then went back to his room and started packing up every toy, electronic device, and things that looked fun and put them in the garbage bags.  He walked in his room and saw me literally emptying his drawers into the garbage bags.  He asked me what I was doing and I told him that all these things were privileges and no longer belonged to him.  I then went into the front of the house and packed up all the video games and controllers into garbage bags.  I left him with pens, pencils, paper and books.

While he was in the bath tub I created a check list system and a set of rules as to how his life was going to be changed from now on.  I wasn’t finished with my creation when I tucked him into bed, but I know for the first time since I have had him it was hard to lean down and kiss him good night.  I told him that he had hurt me body and soul that night and even though I loved him it was hard for me to be kind to him at this moment.  It took all I had to give him a kiss and exit the room turning the lights out.

French Quarter Festival 2011

After longing for my weekend plans after such a shitty week, Saturday finally came along.  I thought about how it was going to be a great day, but come that morning I took it slow and easy getting ready.  I made it over to Metairie around 2 PM to hang out with the family and head to the French Quarter Fest.  After much adieu about what my cousin’s were going to wear and how they were going to do their hair and their friends arrival, we were ready to make our journey into town.

We stopped off at the Smoothie King on Vets for a quick bite to drink/eat for the minors.  My cousin’s girlfriend and I headed to the daiquiri shop across the street for her adult beverage.  I had my trustee backpack cooler full of jack and coke raring to go!  We all met up again, loaded up the cars, and headed towards Canal St.  Along our way we passed some public facility that was displaying a multitude of traffic cones in a row for no apparent reason at all.  Maybe they had cleaned them and set them out to dry?  Maybe they were making some big point that we were unaware of?  We weren’t quite sure so I snapped a photo because it was such an odd sight.  I also took a snap shot of my cousin, her boyfriend, and her friend in the back seat with smoothies in hand.

 

We parked by City Park Ave and Canal St and got ready for our street car ride.  My last ride on a street car was without a/c, and I had to ditch the drink I had in hand, so I was prepared for it this time around.  However, upon boarding I felt a wonderful blow of cool air as I struggled to feed my dollar bill through the slot.  My cousin heckled me from behind and said he was paying for everyone this go round after saying my name two or three times.  I pleasantly thanked him and proceeded to the back of the very full street car for the nearest standing strap holder thing.  On my walk back the street car driver was of the lively sort and said into her loud speaker something along the lines of “Everyone let’s hear it for Sarah!  We have Sarah on board today!”  I took my cue and with arms flying in the air gave my best impression of Arsenio Hall and his dog pound with the “Woof! Woof!”  (Does anyone else remember that??)  The street car was a great place for some candid shots and very interesting advertisements.

 

We arrived at S. Peters and hopped off the street car for our day of adventure.  First stop for the ladies of course was the bathroom.  We took the privilege of using the facilities of the mall at Jax Brewery.  I also took the opportunity to fill myself up with drink #2.  After the bathroom, everyone else grabbed a bowl of jambalaya, but the greasy smell of it didn’t sit right with my stomach so I just grabbed a small sampling of sausage off one of the offered bowls.  I had eaten a turkey sandwich and some watermelon before I left the house (that being my only food of the day) and figured it would be enough. 

We walked to the river and enjoyed the sights and the band playing at the nearest stage.  We sampled a few of the other stages and then decided to go for a walkabout through the Quarter.  More photos of all the necessary sights including the river front, and Jackson Square – beautiful! 

And some other random walking street shots.

 

I met and talked to a few strangers along the way. 

We made our way to the French Market and the sunglass shops for the cousins. 

I managed to find an ever-so-cute jazz fest type purse with bright colors and Om.  I had a bit of a fiasco with paying for a credit card, but was able to do it at a neighboring booth.  Then we marched on to the outside of the French Market where I took a fascinating photo with a crazy looking mannequin that had her tongue hanging out of her mouth.

Much more happened along our walking route including various pit stops, and what not, these will remain known only to the participants of this wonderful event.  I want you to keep in mind at this point that my older cousin and his girlfriend had been continually responsible and watchful of the younger cousins.  I as the second oldest cousin began to rapidly deteriorate at this point.  We walked back to Cafe Du Monde for beignets and it was at this point that I realized I wasn’t doing so well.  I told my older cousin’s girlfriend I was heading to the bathroom and left my stuff at the table.  After seeing the line for the bathroom and the loudness of the Cafe booming in my head I decided it was best to walk out the back of the Cafe.  I found a nice little perch at the corner of the ledge behind the Cafe and leaned over and let my head rest on my hands. 

At this point I know there was spew-age.  Not much, mind you because I hadn’t eaten anything and with all the walking and dehydrating in the sun most of the liquid was out of me.  But nonetheless, something made its way to the surface.  I was lucky enough to land it on the ledge on the side of me and not on my person.  I also realized that there were people walking by witnessing the event and after 35 years of living in and around the city – i had turned into “one of those people.”  I every so slickly reached for the pine needles in the corner garden I was leaning over and dragged a few over the mess I was leaving behind.  I think my younger cousins’ boyfriend was on the search for me because I remember him stopping by after he found me.  I probably told him I was alright and would sit there for a bit longer, but don’t remember what the actual conversation was to this day.  I know that night came upon me.  Did I fall asleep?  Or was it one long eternal moment of spew-age, cover with pine needles, and remain slumped over in the corner?  I couldn’t tell you.  But I know it was the relief I needed at the time.

So there I was, in the darkness, brought back to consciousness by my older cousin’s hearty laughter at the sight of me.  My instinct had me move more pine needles to cover the latest episode of my recent mess.  I immediately started to apologize.  It dawned on me that after spending all day with the kids, it was the 35 year old single mom that was making him take care of her when there were many more important things to worry about.  I remembered I should be worried about my personal possessions that I left behind, but honestly all that shit is replaceable.  And I think I would have been content to stay the night there with the comfort of my pine needles and ledge, but he was not having any of it.  He grabbed my hand and with his forearm supported the entire left side of my body for my walk back to his car.  Thank Christ I didn’t have to hold it together for the street car ride!  And thank you to my older cousin for coming to my rescue and having to deal with my disgusting drunk ass!  I think I had a few moments and spoken words on life in general and how I sucked for making you take care of me.  I think you graciously dismissed them as moments of drunken stupor, but you should know that they were heart felt on my end and the gratitude was endless.

Somehow I got into the jeep and realized I didn’t really care about being buckled in or the fact that there were no doors and I was swaying too and fro with the motion of the Jeep.  I recognized Metairie, and the conversation around me as to the younger cousins being on board in the vehicle with me.  I recognized the grass of Bonnabel Blvd like the grass in my own back yard and wanted to willingly just lop out of the jeep into their comfort.  Maybe they would find me tomorrow, or maybe I could just be left to sleep off this crappy ass week and this crappy ass ending to an awesome day.  Rally’s.  We were in the Rally’s drive thru.  OH!  the smell of greasy grossness of a fast food joint in Metairie.  And there it was again, that delightful spew-age, carefully angled out of the jeep, yet down my entire right arm at the shoulder.  Again, there wasn’t much too it.  More like gross tablespoons of spit, but yet enough to keep my shoulder damp.  I politely asked for a napkin and carefully wiped myself off.

Salvation!  My cousin’s house!  I had made it back to base camp thanks to the loving care of my cousins!  Sanctuary!  The hot tub!  I walked right out of my shoes and right into the hot tub.  No bother in changing clothes, the cleansing experience of it was great for me.  I came back to reality slowly, but surely.  I even tried a bite of a Rallyburger…. no… no that tastes like crap…. please take it back.  And then at the point of exhaustion up the stair for a proper shower, drying my hair, placing all my wet clothing into what I thought was the dryer – but it was one of those fancy ones – so it may have been the washer.  And finally, to bed.  Sweet….. sweet…. bed.

Daylight.  640 AM.  I’m freaking dying of a thirst here.  Down the stairs for a glass of water, a glass of orange juice, and another glass of water.  Back up the stairs for an attempt at more sleep.  840 AM the phone rings.  It’s my mother.  After Friday night I didn’t have much tolerance for her shenanigans.  My son was safe with my father at the camp sight and I knew they hadn’t tried to call me.  The conversation starts…

Mom: Where are you?

Me:  I’m at my cousins (to myself: where you know I am!)

Mom:  Why didn’t you answer the phone last night????

Me: (to myself: I am off shagging the entire royal guard and have no time for you.  For Christ’s sake I am 35 years old, no matter what happened last night – what kind of a question is this??) Ummm… I was probably in the pool.

Mom:  (what I heard – blah, blah, blah, blah) …. and your bikes were just there on the carport of your house and I didn’t know if the dog fence should be opened or closed with no car there to protect the bikes.

Me: (to myself: WTF?? Where is this going?  If you wanted me to be awake because you are awake, just say so and stop all this bullshit!  Get passed it and just say it out loud – you are not entitled to any fun!  you are a single mom and all you need to do is take care of your son and nothing else!)  Mom, I have no where else to put the bikes.  They are chained to the post of my carport. 

The bullshit about the bikes went on and on and at some point I ended it because this was a bullshit phone call.  I made my way into the bathroom to get myself together for the drive home because I longed for the comfort of my bed and to have my son safe at home with me and to be rid of the bullshit phone calls because my dad was doing something with my son and my mom hates the fact that my dad is involved with the boy scouts. 

I ate a donut with my cousins, but my mouth wasn’t working so well and the whole of me was shaky and off.  I found all of my personal items, one by one, thank you again to all of my family members that managed to grab them all for me from the French Quarter.  I made my way back across the lake to the comfort of my home.  I called my dad to check on the arrival time of my son and he was just getting to his house.  The bed would have to wait.  I went to pick up my son.  My dad was exhausted and not much interested in paying any attention to me.  My mother, the good Catholic woman that she was, was watching mass on TV as my son was trying to work the video games in his room at their house.

I found him!  My sweet little home away from home.  Big hug.  BIIIIIGGG HUUUUGGGGG!  And he was stinky.  My mother had to tell me everything negative she had heard about the camping trip and all I wanted to hear was from my son how much fun he had at the campsite.  I got him into a nice hot bath and cleaned him up really good.  He had tons of huge bug bites, a huge bruise on his forehead, and dirt and rashes in every crack and cranny of his body.  I took care of that and gave him some Benadryl for the bites and we headed back home.  Home. Sweet.  Home. 

I got him into the bed to chill in his Benadryl state of mind and watch TV in my room.  I unloaded the car, fed the animals, checked on things around the house.  TomTom wanted lunch so I got him lunch in bed.  I made some lunch for myself too.  I noted that I needed to mow the lawn, fertilize, water the garden, and blow off the carport.  It was about 1 PM.  There was time for a nap in there.  I crawled in next to TomTom and after his complaining about a nap I promised him he could wake up whenever he wanted to – I didn’t really care as long as I got 15 minutes of sleep. 

We woke up at 4 PM.  I cut the grass.  I fertilized the lawn.  I gave the dog a bath.  I watered the garden.  I did laundry.  I cooked dinner.  I got TomTom to bed for the night.  I sat on the couch and stared at the TV while the movie “Nine” was on it.  I got into my bed and called it a weekend.

This past week in the life of…

Where do I even begin???  Let’s start where I think I left off, last week I was aggravated to all hell about things that were happening at work and in life in general.  Turns out it was also the beginning of my monthly visitor. Coincidence?  I think not.  It is the likely story of when it rains, it pours. 

My week ended on a low note on Friday.  My mom checked my son out of school because I sent him with some Aveeno anti-itch cream and the teacher told him he had to leave it with the office and go there when he wanted to apply it.  Yet again, his skin allergies were looming out of control so I was trying to be pro-active.  Not to mention I forgot to give him his Zyrtec Friday morning when we were rushing out of the house.  When my mom got there to apply the cream for me she said he was all broken out and his eyes were broken out so she was going to check him out.  I asked TomTom if he wanted to stay or leave and of course he wanted to leave with his Nana.  This led into a griping spiel from my mom about the cats and how they were not good for TomTom. 

Later that evening I met the family at Schwings for a Lenten seafood dinner.  My niece was there with my son and parents.  The food was great.  I had the shrimp salad and boiled shrimp combo and was quite impressed.  We got on the subject of TomTom’s allergies again and that started the griping about the cats.  I tried to change the subject on a positive note and start talking about the garden project that I completed over the weekend when my parents were out of town.  I showed the photos on my iPod so they could see how great it came out.  My mom took to them and seemed a bit impressed that I got all the mud moved and made a nice garden.  My dad’s response however was simply, “you are going to get all kinds of weeds in that garden.”  I snatched my iPod back from him and with all the seriousness I could conjure up without being completely hurt told him “you have no idea what I did.” 

He didn’t bother asking how we did the garden, or remark that it even looked remotely nice, or even that I did a good job on moving all of the mud out of the truck.  He has no idea that I used the layered garden method to prevent the weed growth that I discovered from the article in Mary Jane’s Farm girl magazine.  He didn’t even bother with wanting to know, just went straight into the negative and dwelling on it.  My mom I think tried to defend me for a split second and then my dad went into whether or not I filled out TomTom’s wolf cub book with the completed projects.  He also wanted to know why I hadn’t removed the watermelon plants he had at his house that he offered me when they were out of town.  And my mom added in with why I hadn’t organized the removal of the furniture and other items she had donated to one of my co-workers. 

At that point I think I slipped over the edge and told them that if they had any other grievances and complaints about me, my life, and the things I choose to do with it that they should just go ahead and get them all out on the table right now because I wasn’t sure how much more I could take.  I reminded them that not once did they ask about how TomTom and my week was, nor were they even concerned about my week at work and all of our extracurricular activities that went on after school.  I said this in a short speech directly to my parents which left them with mouths hanging open just staring at my like I was some psycho bitch from hell.  My niece was sweet enough to break the silence and chime in with “let’s talk about something else.”  I gave her a glance and a nod and she started in with a more pleasant conversation.  Thanks niece.  Thanks for seeing that I was at my breaking point and deflecting more criticism from my parents and bringing me back up to earth from my small and fraying rock that was rapidly diminishing from the lava in the pits of hell.  I really appreciated it at the time and need you to know that.

My parents later stated that TomTom could sleep at their house since he was leaving to go camping with my dad in the morning for boy scouts.  I had also been lucky enough to make plans by watching “The Hangover” at Francesca’s house later that night.  Some where along my drive in between Schwing’s and Francesca’s house I had a moment with myself in the car with my favorite Janis songs blaring on the radio.  A moment when I realized that by that one comment from my father my little demons all came rising back to the surface and I recalled this note from my fast back in March:

“The demon is a lost child being beckoned out of a dark corner by a trail of bread crumbs.  She peeks out so you can see her eyes, pale and lonely, she grabs a crumb and then ducks back in the darkness.  She is still afraid, full of fear, but she wants to have the support to make her dreams come true.”

With that one negative comment and absolutely no consideration towards my life and the obvious things I am trying to make it better for myself and my son – that lost little child was kicked in the gut and pushed back behind the corner.  All the fear and turmoil sent raging inside and left to sit in the darkness with the sadness of humiliation and rejection.  And yes, the tears flowed, and I thought of my Grandma and the love and acceptance that she always gave me.  She is such a source of strength for me when I get to feel this way.  And I also tried to remember in my car what that lost, sad child in the darkness needed….

“The gift is open arms for tears on a warm and welcoming lap rocking and rocking and rocking like my grandma used to do.  A warm heart to talk to that does not laugh at my dreams or make me feel like they are not good enough.  My ally talks about everything I am interested in and everything that I want to be in this life.  She will hold my hand and help me mark out a path to achieve everything that I have wanted.  And she will be there when I have fear again and want to duck behind the darkness.  It (the fear)  may be safety on one side, but on the other it is a barrier from all the things that will light my path in this life.   She will remind me that I can overcome the fear.  She will give me the acceptance and warmth that I need when I become afraid, she will give me the strength and protection to go after everything I want in this life.”

That’s you Grandma.  Even though you have passed away I can still feel that around me when I can’t get it from anywhere else.  Thank you for always giving me the strength to rise up above when everything around me is clawing at me to hold me down. 

“I need acceptance and unconditional love.  I need a support system, I need belief that I can grow into something wonderful.  I need to know that the things I like and want in the outside world are okay to go after.”

And if it is the remembrance of the calming presence of my Grandma’s love that helps me remember this than I will always bring it back in my mind when I need it.  That is how she will live on through me.  That is how her spirit will always surround me.  And it only takes a few moments of hearing Janis sing…

“One of these mornings, you’re gonna rise up singing.  You’re gonna spread your wings, child, and take… take to the sky.  Until that morning, nothing’s gonna harm you now.  No,no, no, no, no, no, no don’t you cry.”

The British High Tea Room

This is it for the night because I am exhausted and I’m getting a little closer to getting caught up with these updates, but not much.

Today I decided to lunch with my mate Franny at the Tea Room in down town Covington.  Every time we go there it has been superb and the nicest elderly British man is always there to wait on us.  It has been awhile since we last visited this establishment and much has changed.

What was once our nice quiet sanctuary was full of the hustle and bustle today at lunch.  And sadly, our little British friend was not there to chat about old times in the UK with Francesca.  After two vanilla scones each, covered in sugar, and then basted with Clotted Cream and lemon curd, we started to get a sugar high.  Turns out we think they killed Old Martin and buried him under the building.  They knew we were on to something so they wouldn’t let the other customers sit near us.  There were moments when we would stop our conversation and see if it was Martin’s voice calling us via the fire place from under the house.  There was even a moment when Francesca reached out to see if that was his spirit in the light.

Turns out that wasn’t him so she tried reaching to the other side of the table.

She heard Martin’s voice calling to her for help and kept trying to find where it was coming from.

  

What used to be the best lunch outing with our British friend has turned into a complete horse-and-pony show.  One of the waitresses came over and asked for our flower vase in the loveliest British accent.  We both did a 180 when we heard her behind the counter talking in a harsh American accent.  Then she went on to make a new voicemail for the restaurant in her Faux British accent.  We were humiliated.

  Francesca wept for Martin. 

There was a moment of silence.

I was able to record the moment of her looking longingly in the distance to the music of the Tea Room searching for Martin’s lost soul.  However, our sugar giggles took over again – and of course I stink at recording with this thing – but at the end of this clip you can see his orb.  He really is there in spirit after all!!!