Where do I even begin??? Let’s start where I think I left off, last week I was aggravated to all hell about things that were happening at work and in life in general. Turns out it was also the beginning of my monthly visitor. Coincidence? I think not. It is the likely story of when it rains, it pours.
My week ended on a low note on Friday. My mom checked my son out of school because I sent him with some Aveeno anti-itch cream and the teacher told him he had to leave it with the office and go there when he wanted to apply it. Yet again, his skin allergies were looming out of control so I was trying to be pro-active. Not to mention I forgot to give him his Zyrtec Friday morning when we were rushing out of the house. When my mom got there to apply the cream for me she said he was all broken out and his eyes were broken out so she was going to check him out. I asked TomTom if he wanted to stay or leave and of course he wanted to leave with his Nana. This led into a griping spiel from my mom about the cats and how they were not good for TomTom.
Later that evening I met the family at Schwings for a Lenten seafood dinner. My niece was there with my son and parents. The food was great. I had the shrimp salad and boiled shrimp combo and was quite impressed. We got on the subject of TomTom’s allergies again and that started the griping about the cats. I tried to change the subject on a positive note and start talking about the garden project that I completed over the weekend when my parents were out of town. I showed the photos on my iPod so they could see how great it came out. My mom took to them and seemed a bit impressed that I got all the mud moved and made a nice garden. My dad’s response however was simply, “you are going to get all kinds of weeds in that garden.” I snatched my iPod back from him and with all the seriousness I could conjure up without being completely hurt told him “you have no idea what I did.”
He didn’t bother asking how we did the garden, or remark that it even looked remotely nice, or even that I did a good job on moving all of the mud out of the truck. He has no idea that I used the layered garden method to prevent the weed growth that I discovered from the article in Mary Jane’s Farm girl magazine. He didn’t even bother with wanting to know, just went straight into the negative and dwelling on it. My mom I think tried to defend me for a split second and then my dad went into whether or not I filled out TomTom’s wolf cub book with the completed projects. He also wanted to know why I hadn’t removed the watermelon plants he had at his house that he offered me when they were out of town. And my mom added in with why I hadn’t organized the removal of the furniture and other items she had donated to one of my co-workers.
At that point I think I slipped over the edge and told them that if they had any other grievances and complaints about me, my life, and the things I choose to do with it that they should just go ahead and get them all out on the table right now because I wasn’t sure how much more I could take. I reminded them that not once did they ask about how TomTom and my week was, nor were they even concerned about my week at work and all of our extracurricular activities that went on after school. I said this in a short speech directly to my parents which left them with mouths hanging open just staring at my like I was some psycho bitch from hell. My niece was sweet enough to break the silence and chime in with “let’s talk about something else.” I gave her a glance and a nod and she started in with a more pleasant conversation. Thanks niece. Thanks for seeing that I was at my breaking point and deflecting more criticism from my parents and bringing me back up to earth from my small and fraying rock that was rapidly diminishing from the lava in the pits of hell. I really appreciated it at the time and need you to know that.
My parents later stated that TomTom could sleep at their house since he was leaving to go camping with my dad in the morning for boy scouts. I had also been lucky enough to make plans by watching “The Hangover” at Francesca’s house later that night. Some where along my drive in between Schwing’s and Francesca’s house I had a moment with myself in the car with my favorite Janis songs blaring on the radio. A moment when I realized that by that one comment from my father my little demons all came rising back to the surface and I recalled this note from my fast back in March:
“The demon is a lost child being beckoned out of a dark corner by a trail of bread crumbs. She peeks out so you can see her eyes, pale and lonely, she grabs a crumb and then ducks back in the darkness. She is still afraid, full of fear, but she wants to have the support to make her dreams come true.”
With that one negative comment and absolutely no consideration towards my life and the obvious things I am trying to make it better for myself and my son – that lost little child was kicked in the gut and pushed back behind the corner. All the fear and turmoil sent raging inside and left to sit in the darkness with the sadness of humiliation and rejection. And yes, the tears flowed, and I thought of my Grandma and the love and acceptance that she always gave me. She is such a source of strength for me when I get to feel this way. And I also tried to remember in my car what that lost, sad child in the darkness needed….
“The gift is open arms for tears on a warm and welcoming lap rocking and rocking and rocking like my grandma used to do. A warm heart to talk to that does not laugh at my dreams or make me feel like they are not good enough. My ally talks about everything I am interested in and everything that I want to be in this life. She will hold my hand and help me mark out a path to achieve everything that I have wanted. And she will be there when I have fear again and want to duck behind the darkness. It (the fear) may be safety on one side, but on the other it is a barrier from all the things that will light my path in this life. She will remind me that I can overcome the fear. She will give me the acceptance and warmth that I need when I become afraid, she will give me the strength and protection to go after everything I want in this life.”
That’s you Grandma. Even though you have passed away I can still feel that around me when I can’t get it from anywhere else. Thank you for always giving me the strength to rise up above when everything around me is clawing at me to hold me down.
“I need acceptance and unconditional love. I need a support system, I need belief that I can grow into something wonderful. I need to know that the things I like and want in the outside world are okay to go after.”
And if it is the remembrance of the calming presence of my Grandma’s love that helps me remember this than I will always bring it back in my mind when I need it. That is how she will live on through me. That is how her spirit will always surround me. And it only takes a few moments of hearing Janis sing…
“One of these mornings, you’re gonna rise up singing. You’re gonna spread your wings, child, and take… take to the sky. Until that morning, nothing’s gonna harm you now. No,no, no, no, no, no, no don’t you cry.”
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