I'm going to back it up a minute to relive my day 3 into sparkpeople world. I was fresh and enthusiastic about all the goals I had met for myself! And I desperately wanted to stay on track with all the things that I had learned. And I was also confident about being smoke free for 30 days!!!!
I had plans to go horseback riding with my niece and her friends. Those plans fell apart due to the weather being so crazy down here in the south. My cousin JoJo called me to see if I wanted to come hang out at her house about an hour away from home. I was leary about it because I knew it would take me away from home, drinking, around smokers, and eating foods that I wouldn't be able to log in as seriously as if I were at home.
After much procrastination I decided to go for it. I got my dog walk in that morning and I didn't have to do cardio or strength training so I was ok on that end. I picked up a bottle of red wine from the store and a six pack of the 55 calorie beer too. I wasn't sure what route I wanted to go down so I gave myself options. I made it out to her house and started with my wine... good choice. We snacked on fresh veggies and ranch dip. I did well with eating my gobstoppers and not smoking even though there were three people there, all smokers.
I had about 10 cocktail weenies in bbq sauce.. yum! And we headed out to a bar to let an hour fly by. I kept up with my wine but got about 10 gobstoppers dumped into the bottom of it by my family to keep me in good humor. After having to take a trip outside so they could smoke... I gave in. I bummed a cigarette. I knew what I was doing and I gave into the temptation and I just felt horrible about it. Then I bummed another, and another, and I bought a pack at the gas station. I don't think I smoked very much of it because my other cousin was helping me out with the pack. But still, I buckled! All the strength and mind fighting to not smoke... and puff! Just like a puff of smoke I was right back at it like I had never stopped! Why is this addiction such a plague!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Every year I am right back at this spot and it leads me to having to quit again next year!!! I don't want to do that this year!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I want to be done with it. I thought about it all night as I tossed and turned keeping myself awake thinking about how I let myself down.
Dinner that night was chicken shishkabobs baked in the oven and ranch style baked beans. All in all the food was great and I stayed within my calories on that front. I drank most of the bottle of wine. And for god's sake I smoked freakin' cigarettes!!!!
So I picked myself up the next morning, dusted myself off, looked myself in the mirror and carried on. I left the pack out back on my cousin's balcony, said my goodbyes, and headed down the road back to home. Trying to think of all the achievements I did meet so far this year and trying to forgive myself for falling back down to day 1. Day 1 of not smoking, the second time I have quit in 2011.
I can't even go on anymore because it is just negativity that I am feeling about it.
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